A Manifesto from the American Department of W.A.N.K.

I believe that all of what we see in the world amounts to hypnosis on a monumental scale, or if I may say so, one Divine Wank. When speaking of this divinity, I sometimes use the word ‘God' but I assure the reader it is just a label for what is essentially the unnamable writes chad.

What I really mean when I speak of God is that which is the source and substance of everything. And really, if all emanates from one thing, one source, then all of these emanations must be, to be perfectly blunt, "wank".

In other words, imagine God sitting in meditation, basking in all the glory of his Oneness and Supremeness. It would get a little boring after a while, would it not? A bit like living in a giant cybergenic chamber, or maybe George Bush's hometown in Texas. Thus the One had to become two in order for the One to know itself as being One, right?

In the words of one of my favourite Irishman, James Joyce, "There can be no reconciliation without first being torn asunder."

This pretty much describes the act of masturbation for me. The subject creates an object in the mind's eye and then sets about trying to shag it. And of course since this object is part and parcel of the subject, it is trying to shag itself. There you have it, God is a wanker!

(If you are a Christian or a Muslim CHAD DOES NOT MEAN YOUR GOD. It's, err... complicated.)

God has become so consumed by this act of masturbation that it has gone on for a seeming eternity. Civilizations have risen and fallen, and there has been a lot of heat and friction, and chaos has reigned, and it seems God has really lost Himself in the act. God has been completely seduced by his own game and forgotten that it is just him wanking. This is pretty much what the whole sexual game is about anyway, ultimately in our subconscious we just want to get back into our mother's womb again where all was One.

But climax is inevitable, the end is nigh, and when this is finally reached we will all be able to relax and get a good night's sleep once again.

I am aware that I risk alienating my readers in reducing everything to God's wank. The atheists are probably thinking I am religious, the religious are probably thinking I am blasphemous, and the ladies are probably thinking I'm a wanker. But I am not fussed about being misunderstood. I am working towards being more understanding and trying to unify all opposites. Simple as that.

I want everyone to give up all their angry causes, find the peace within, and relax a little more. Relaxation should be the First Amendement of the Socialist Wanker manifesto, if I were to have a hand in it. Relaxing into the wonderment of it all, and accepting everything as being part of the divine plan.

I don't want to come across as sounding like a know-it-all, because as the mystics rightly say the one who says he knows doesn't know. But I think calling it all God's wank is surrendering to the mystery, because who knows what fantasy God is going to cook up in his mind next in order to get his rocks off. Certainly I don't! It's all in God's hand, Thy Will Be Done, and all we gotta do is relax. Everyone just relax and wise up to the fact that we are all One. Each and everyone one of us is chosen.

I am not claiming to be the Chosen One. I am not claiming to be God or The Son of God, though I would go so far as to say that I am God's jism (his yet-to-be-Son), and by virtue of that fact I am unlimited potentiality. Maybe I would even stretch it as far as saying that I am part and parcel, at one with God. But again I don't want to come across as George W. Bush being an instrument of God, for of course his concept of God and mine are totally different – why would I want to slay the infidel if the infidel is I? That sounds too much like castration.

If you are conversant with quantum physics and the holographic theory of the universe, then you would know where I am coming from. You cut the hologram up into a thousand little pieces, and each piece contains a miniature of the original (just like the sperm contains the miniature of He who wanked it), each a microcosm of the macrocosm.

As for W.A.N.K. Socialism, we must work on teaching highly-strung, over-ambitious, testosterone-driven over-achievers, ie. capitalists, to become less productive members of a less productive society. Basically just to stay at home and wank on themselves, I mean, "work" on themselves.

Just sit in their rooms quietly, meditate, and stop blaming others. They will see how much trouble this will spare them. Just think of all the trouble the world would have been spared if everyone had stayed at home and wanked.

Or maybe if everyone had seen that all their wars and conquests and empires were basically wank, they would have stayed at home and not bothered. We certainly wouldn't have highly-strung, over-ambitious, testosterone-driven imperialist superpowers on the loose.

Today the U.S. forces have captured 70 per cent of Fallujah in what the U.S. Military named Operation Phantom Fury but the Iraqi Government renamed "Al-fajr" or Operation New Dawn. I think the U.S. name was not such a bad one, given that they are really fighting their own phantom, their shadow, and this phantom menace is within, but they keep going about it ass- backwards, and so the insurgents are now everywhere - except for Fallujah.

Attack of the Clones indeed. Perhaps the name Operation New Dawn is just as apt. Given the circular nature of reality - God having a wank with Himself - the end of the world being nigh must also mean the beginning of the world is coming soon. In the words T.S. Eliot:

"We will not cease from exploration And the end of all our exploring Will be to arrive where we started And know the place for the first time"

Replace exploring with wanking and you get the drift.

I hope these words of wanking wisdom assuage your fears in a world ruled by Dick Cheney and George Bush. I hope you don't really believe you are being fucked by the corporations and governments, caught as they seemingly are between a dick and a bush. I wish it upon everyone to relax and swim.

To be a good swimmer you have to learn to relax. The name T.S. Eliot is an anagram for Toilets, and though it may seem that the whole world is going down the shitter I urge you to turn the tide and swim against the flush. And one day you will finally see it was all the Divine chasing Its tail. You'll disappear up your own ass and be able to get a good night's sleep. Finally.

CHAD

The Department of W.A.N.K. (Wonderment, Acceptance and Not-Knowing)

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