Casualties of the internet wars

as we speak, US troops are engaged in a grim street-by-street battle for Fallujah. but let us not forget the unsung heroes of the information age. meet the heroes who have paid the ultimate price, fighting a thankless war for the minds of the enemy within, on the wild frontiers of blogworld and fringe political message boards

HERO: Sharpton continues to tirelessly defend our rock-solid ties with the White House from his hospital bed

Eric Sharpton developed the rare degenerative synapse disease Niemuller’s Syndrome after an uninterrupted 8 months at his computer.

Despite uncontrollable swelling of the brain and the resultant gross disfigurement of his head, hero Sharpton continues to tirelessly dispute claims on leftist websites that US forces have killed hundreds of women and children and deliberately fired on civilian medical staff, as he has done since the initial invasion, 24 hours a day.

"These people really piss me off," said Sharpton. "If cowards like this had had their way in '39 we'd all be speaking German now."

Government medical experts deny that his symptoms are a result of the intense internet cover he has been laying down for Coalition action in Iraq.

Patriotic hacker Cal Fisher has been reduced to typing with his nose after he developed uncontrollable twitches, blurred vision and severe speech defects.

His symptoms are thought to result from repeated fearless attempts to hack fundamental Islamist propaganda website al-Jazeerah and deface it with pornographic images.

"I... I, I, I, I did... dididid... did it for fuh... fuh, fuh, fuh, ffffff..." Fisher attempted to explain to us, before typing out I DIUD IYT FOER FRREEDO,M with his nose.

SACRIFICE: Cal Fisher has been reduced to a sad shadow of his former self but continues to believe in democracy

TRAGIC: Chris is unable to leave his home but prays regularly for the boys at the front

Chris, who has been fearlessly supporting the boys at the front from behind his keyboard in his office in Houston, Texas, has finally had to admit the strain and uncertainty of patriotic blogging have taken their toll.

Counsellors at the Center for Combat Psychology at Fort Bragg have diagnosed him with severe depression, anxiety and unexplained hair loss related to Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. He has been advised to move back from frontline blogging.

Chris has now deleted his blog Jenjus Khans Attrocity-Commiting Death Machine after unkind and hurtful comments left by sneering foreigners. Fearing this might happen, we have preserved some of the heroic veteran's work here.

Meanwhile in separate but related showbiz news

Actor Jud Charlton was exposed to political web content, after which his head stuck at approx 85 degrees angle to his body and he has to hold his hand like he was Bela Lugosi because of the painful contractions. Here he is seen near his fashionable Highgate home, sneering at paparazzi. Charlton was unavailable for comment.

CELEB: Actor Charlton, undaunted by the newest challenge to his colourful career, remains resolutely un-political