Russians with machine guns

Certain north London squatters, who will remain anonymous, occupied a Russian diplomatic property in beautiful Highgate.

So far, so good. Boxes of stuff are moved in surreptitiously and a low profile is maintained.

At some point the question arises: where shall we put the television? Ah, of course, we will put it on top of the stove.

A little later someone gets hungry and switches the oven on.

A little later the television explodes. This leads to a fire.

Two fire engines and the police visit the scene.

Unconfirmed reports suggest ketamine may have been involved.

The next day someone arrives to investigate – wobbly squatters go to see who it is and encounter a dozen Russians in suits and ties with sub-machineguns, demanding to know what has happened.

Thankfully for the hapless squatters, British police also arrive on the scene. They inform the squatters: "Inside this building these guys can basically do what they like to you. We can't touch them." They manage to negotiate some time for the squatters to leave.

The Russians depart, issuing dire warnings about what will happen if they come back the next morning at 10 and find the squatters still there.

The squatters vacated the property that same night. According to the newest information obtained by the SW, no one was arrested or charged with anything.

home

Police seek abducted dog

Meanwhile elsewhere in London.

There was a squatting crew chilling out in peace and quiet after successfully pulling off several days’ art exhibition, performances and a big party - when police teams kicked the doors in.

Uniformed and plainclothes officers swarmed in, kicking more doors in. Every door they could find, they kicked it in. After they had kicked in all the doors, they demanded to know where the dog was.

What dog? – there was general all-round mystification.

The dog that a certain Miss X had kidnapped to ransom from her mother. Mother’s boyfriend, it now appears, is a police inspector. This Miss X is known by police to associate with people from these circles…

No dog here. The police left. Miss X must have completely lost it, is the general consensus. Everyone sees the funny side.

Police called on Police

STILL on a squatting tip ...

We heard rumours that a couple of squatters were almost caught in the act of opening a fairly derelict house in North London. Police arrived in the morning and threatened to kick down the door. A squatter putting his face to the glass did little to dissuade them.

The other squatter had a bright idea and phoned the police.

"Hello, police... can I help?"

"Yes, we've got police threatening to kick our door down at [address withheld]"

"Yes, we apparently have two officers in attendance at that address. What's the problem?"

"They want to kick the door down and... we're frightened!!!"

"Err... What do you want me to do?"

"Send some other ones down?" asked the hopeful squatter.